i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
