I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
