please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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