Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
