apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
