I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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