I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
