You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Boobs are out for the taking
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
