I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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