Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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