K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
