and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
