forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
