he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
