That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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