I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
