marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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