You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
