Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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