He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
