remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
