the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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