So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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