im drinking this country out of the recession.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
FUCK WHALES
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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