So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
