I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
