I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
