god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
