Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
