As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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