This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
