I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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