Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I lost the right to judge tonight
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
