Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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