You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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