Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
