You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It was confusing and full of hummus
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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