Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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