bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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