I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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