I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
