Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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