i need an iv and a liver transplant
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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