I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
