Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
a search helicopter?!
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
