I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
