her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
