We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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