Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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