Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
